The World According To Me

Silent shit-fight continues in house from hell. Discovered fat and old housemate had packed up all my glassware along with his (including the gorgeous crystal scotch tumblers which weigh about ½ a kilo each that I got for my 21st). Also realised this morning that he is using my toaster in place of his own (because no doubt it is in a box somewhere with all the plates I would like to eat off). Consequently I boxed said toaster up so the arsehole couldn't have breakfast. I hate it when things disintegrate like this, it's very petty and stupid. And because I know that fat and old housemate is a gossipy little biatch, I am further aware that he will, in the future, slag me off to anyone who will listen. Deep breaths…..rise above it Kymmy….

Things I would like to happen when I wake up tomorrow;

1. Be in a huge luxurious bed with thick cotton sheets and a doona which is 2ft high;
   
2. Be in a house which is my own;
   
3. Be next to a gorgeous, tall, buffed man (who then gets up to make me coffee without being asked, returns to bed and bestows me with oral pleasure for hours on end);
   
4. Have a fast metabolism which renders me a size 10 but being able to eat whatever I want;
   
5. Have a midget butler in my employ (He would be more of a Man-Friday really);
6. Not have to go to work because I am disgustingly rich.
   

Things that are more likely to happen tomorrow when I wake up;

1. Will have terrible bed hair;
   
2. Will still be 'curvy';
   
3. Will not be in own house;
   
4. Will have to go to work;
   
5. Will want a cigarette and strong instant coffee as soon as my eyes are open;
   
6. Will have achy joints;
   
7. Will be alone and devoid of oral pleasure.