The World According To Me

Have decided to indulge my penchant for numbered blogs by covering a range of topics in dot point. It's a continuing series, I've decided. Of course I'm keeping everyone else in mind by doing this, because you don't have to try and decipher my ramblings and perhaps my thought patterns will take on some sort of coherence. But look, I'm ruining it already.

Things I want to do (or do again) before I get too old/decrepit;

• Spend many many consecutive hours in a hicksville pub drinking beer and playing pool with a cigarette hanging out the side of my mouth (extra points for actually making the white ball connect with any other on the table), in the company of witty and interesting people/person (a la weekend).

• Build my own beer garden and fill it with my wonderful friends. We will have our own jukebox which will double as a karaoke machine and I will also have a buffed barman with no shirt on. I will smoke cigars and just mooch around generally being great.

• Shag a real-life cowboy.

• Devote myself, for a short time at least, to a cause other than myself, to prove to myself that I can be passionate about something worthy. Or, at least, something.
  
• Tell someone I dislike intensely to go fuck themselves (Perhaps without slurring).
  
• Crash a party/function. And not be kicked out.
  
• Buy a property with some surrounding land and rescue many cats and dogs from the RSPCA.
  
• Wear a bikini. In public. (And not be pushed back into the sea by well-meaning greenies or have a mother explain to her 4 year old while pointing to my thighs "That’s where cottage cheese comes from").

1. We lost the netty grandfinal by 3 measly pissy goals;
2. This is mainly because the lovely and talented Ames was injured and did not play, and I had to play half the frigging game in a 'running and shooting position'. Pah. I nearly died;
3. In said game, I also copped a split lip from the unco lanky motherfucker I played against who couldn't control his limbs for more than 5 consecutive seconds. I'll give you a fucking elbow you dirty rat eating dumb fuck. The bruise that resulted from said injury made me look like half a Greek woman for a week. (Kymmy - aka Tsoula);
4. My mother attended the game to show support. Possibly the first such attendance she has ever made in my life. Noice;
5. I endured a hangover on Sunday which rendered me in a vegetative state until 5pm. I've been in rehab since this time, and am still searching for the brain cells I think I left behind at the Sherbourne;
6. My love/hate relationship with midgets swerved towards the hate side yet again when I encountered a little short fucker on Saturday night in the line at Flanagans (surrounded by normal sized mates, mind you) who felt it appropriate to pass judgement/comment on my body-shape, to the howling amusement of his short-dicked comrades. Screw you 'little person'. Your time will come;
7. I am sick to my rotting back teeth of work. So many ferals, so many problems, so little empathy;
8. Am currently 'in negotiations' with c*ckhead (Vyner's moniker, not mine) about whether he is worthy enough for me to take him back after WW3 in Ballarat 2 weeks ago. Hmmmm;
9. Still have not caught the mouse. Motherfucker;
10. Have found some great blogs of people much more clever and witty than myself (not difficult). Have enjoyed reading them immensely. Current fave is www.reasonsyouwillhateme.blogspot.com. Brilliance.