The World According To Me

Text conversation the other night has rendered cricket boy out of the running in the fierce competition to be Kymmy's life partner.

He texted me to ask me how my day was, and to let me know that his grandma had passed away that morning (it's been on the cards for a while). I expressed the appropriate sympathies and asked him how he was coping, to which he replied he was sad and needed a hug. Cute and vulnerable (my favourite combination). After a few more benign messages he asks if I think we'll be able to catch up before he has to leave, Monday week. Surprised, I ask if he's still coming up for my birthday weekend as planned? He says that he's really sorry, but he doesn't want to have to drive home for 3 hours with a hangover on Sunday and then 4 hours to the airport on Monday, so thus he had suggested night in Echuca (refer to previous blog) on the Friday preceding. I say, well that's a bit of a shit, I would have really liked him to be there but I do understand as after all I wouldn't want to drive all that way with a hangover either and then have to take a flight the next day.

He says, and this is where it allll started to go really downhill, 'There's no point in us being anything more than mates at the moment as we will rarely get to see eachother, but I would like to spend another night with you'. Now, how's a girl to refuse an offer like that? With my blood boiling, I decided not to reply straight away, instead I went outside for a calming nicotine hit, stamped my feet a bit and then replied 'Yeah, this is where it gets hard. I don't think I can do that. I don't sleep with my mates. I'd like to get to know you better, but if you put a line down as to what can and cannot happen, I'd rather not'. To which he says he understands, and that he doesn't want to catch up again for a fuck, that he cares about me more than that, but it's just too hard to even contemplate a relationship when we won't see eachother very often.

I say - well hey, lets look at it this way - You want me to come to Echuca, to a motel room, where, if we even go out for anything like a remotely civilised evening, we will afterwards undoubtedly get stuck into the mini-bar, sleep together, and I will have a great time (because, let's face it, when I'm pissed I and with a bloke I have a hard time keeping my knickers on), we will check out at 10am and then you will fuck off back to Tasmania and I will be left feeling like a cheap dirty nasty whore. He says no no no no, we don't even have to have sex, I just want to spend time with you (in a fucking motel room????!!!!) you are too gorgeous and wonderful and I don't want to make you feel like that, blah blah blah. And then…wait for it…."I know it’s bad timing right now to get too close to eachother, but how about when I move back we try properly". When he moves back? Quite possibly many years away? Because yeah, he's so fucking wonderful and I'm so fucking desperate that I'm going to put my life on hold pending whether he plays good enough cricket to stay on the team. What the fuck? At this point I'm no longer mad, I just laugh maniacally at the message on my phone and text him back to say lets not bother.

So there you have it. I did it again, I let a boy get in my head and then it turns out to be just about the booty. Which, once upon a time I would have found flattering, only now it just makes me sad that this is what it's all about. Why can't I meet a boy who wants to have more to do with me than what's in my pants? I know Raftis' advice "Kymbo, at some stage we all have to stop being dirty whores" - but with this particular boy we had even discussed, before we met, my theory on 1-nighters (further separate blog to follow) and it was resolved that if he didn't want anything to do with me after our first meeting he wouldn't even try to touch me, and visa versa. And believe me, there was a lot of touching going on. He's a nice boy, a very nice boy, which makes me even sadder about the whole situation.

So, at the end of all this, I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to give it all a rest for a while. No more boys, no more dating, no more going out and getting pissed and picking up. Because as much as I try to stay unemotional and detached, at the end of the day it fucks around with my head and I'm not able to cope with it. I'm going to concentrate on me for a little while (and no, haven't re-grouped or done lists or anything like that yet).

Once I get a bit happier with myself, I may be able to make better decisions and deal with things like this a little better.

After all, they say you can't love anyone else properly until you love yourself.