The World According To Me

On the weekend, amongst boringness like study and housework, about the time that I was desperately trying to find my belt that has gone missing since I moved house, I came across my Year 12 yearbook. It's been packed away in a box of miscellaneous crap which I have learned not to even remove the masking tape from when I move. It is informally named "Stuff that is not in any way useful but which I can't throw away". Also included are my childhood diaries and such things as the kitchy jewellery boxes that my gran has given me for Birthdays and Christmases past. Come to think of it, I'm not sure why I was looking in there for my belt, I can only cite desperation, but I digress.

I made myself a cuppa and sat down to flick through the yearbook. It made me smile to see all the faces of people I used to be so close to in my high-school days, but haven't seen since I stepped on that plane from Perth to Melbourne some 7 years ago. And of course seeing the faces of people I couldn't stand and wondering if they are lying in a gutter right now in accordance with what I hope has happened to them. Ahem.

There were photo's and stories and lists of end-of-year awards and anecdotes and reviews, and it really took me back to that time in my life.

What I was surprised about, however, was that in that entire yearbook, there is only one picture of me. And it's part of the class photo. I don't know that when I first looked through the book that it occurred to me that I wasn't featured in anything special. There's half a photo of me at the Year 12 ball, and in another you can see the back of my head (I recognised it only because it was a dress-up occasion and I was wearing rollers in my hair) and that's it. The funny thing is, it's the same story with my two best friends, Stevo and Rach. I can barely find them either.

Now the point of this post isn't about how I'm bummed out that my ugly mug wasn't in the yearbook all that much, it's more representative about how I remembered my high school days, and how perhaps this wasn't entirely reality-based. I was an above average student, but not nerdy-smart. I wasn't overly involved in sports and I still have a disdain for P.E. teachers to this day. I was involved in drama and extra-curricular music, both of which weren't to the interest of my rugby-loving, Suburban-Eton wannabe private school. I wasn't in the cool group, because my hair wasn't straight enough, I didn't have a boyfriend and I didn't hack my school dress into a mini. I wasn't in the nerd group because I actually had a personality and a grasp on the concept of personal hygiene. I was in the middle, I had some close friends and then some friends who I hung around with in school only. I never once got detention, but Stevo and I did get separated in Year 11 Chemistry because apparently he distracted me with his talking. Now Stevo's made a career out of chemistry and I dropped that subject once the year was out, so go figure who really distracted who - I WILL NEVER TELL. (NB. Our chemistry teacher was a charming Malay man with questionable comprehension of the English language. More importantly, he had a large mole on his neck from which a very long pubic-type hair extended menacingly. I still have nightmares about it). My life outside of school during the last 2 years of it was tumultuous to say the least, but I won't expand on that here.

So I'm looking through these photo's, remembering who was who and what I remembered about them;

"Oh her, she was a complete bitch to me. I wonder if she's on the game now?"

"He was hilarious and a stoner, bet he's on the dole"

"If she's not making mega-bucks somewhere, I'll eat my hat"

"He was so good at rugby. Bet he's done time for wife-beating"

"She was lovely, would have made a great counsellor"

Etc.

Now, as I said above, I haven't been back to Perth since the very start of 1999, when I was a young and optimistic 17 year old, crossing the country on my own to start a new life and follow my dreams. It was very exciting, and scary at the same time. I've done (and am doing) my thing, but I wonder how I have compared with my contemporaries from school. I have heard on the grapevine how some people are going, it usually goes along the lines of "Yeah, she did a double Masters in (insert something inconceivably impressive here) before spending 2 years in Europe busking and doing volunteer work with blind children who have no legs" or "He's the youngest partner ever of Perth's premier law firm!" or "She made the Australian equestrian team but retired after winning gold. Now she breeds and trains thoroughbreds on her $45M property. The Sultan of Brunei is one of her best clients".

But if someone was to ask what I was doing, what would they be told? "Well, Kymmy pissed off to Melbourne pretty much as soon as school finished, no-one heard from her for ages. I heard she started a psychology degree but didn't finish. Then she started working for a law firm. I think she's still doing that. Outstanding achievements? None that I've heard of. Massive bank balance? Nada. Selfless charity work? Sporadically. Special talents? Well I think they involve a shot glass and a seedy nightclub. And she smokes a lot".

To think about it doesn't make me feel particularly great, if I'm honest. In fact, it's spawned a few days of explicit "What the fuck am I doing with my life?" self-questioning. I'm turning 25 in a couple of months. Is that the time where I'm supposed to have sorted myself out? Start (and actually utilise) a high-interest savings account, or give up smoking, or buy a house, or start holding dinner parties or something else equally adult and responsible? I'm not talking about the having a herb garden and watching ABC type of grown-up, because clearly this is already the case. I'm talking about the time when I will feel like I've actually done 'something' with my life, and more importantly, figure out what 'something' is.

Is it normal to go through this questioning and self-doubt in the way that I am? Should I just not be worried about what I've achieved, but whether or not I'm happy? I know I shouldn't be doing the whole comparison thing, but everyone does.

I believe it's time to make "The List" (cue scary music).