The World According To Me

The season is changing. The nights are getting frosty, the mornings crisp, and that can mean only one thing (to me);

Time to go winter shoe-shopping. This fills me with absolute dread every single year because it is doubtless that I will start my hunt filled with fresh anticipation and end up in a screaming heap making swears at passers-by.

This is because, ladies and gentlemen, I have a pair of quite large feet. And finding footwear that doesn't look like it belongs on a. a nanna or b. a man is unjustly motherchucking difficult.

I think I've mentioned before on here that I'm quite tall. I'm pushing six feet without shoes. To aid me in not falling face-first in the dirt every time I take a step, I have been blessed with some proportionate hoofers to get me from A to B. Which is okay since people don't tend to confuse me with Bozo the Clown, but completely shithouse when it comes to trying to buy shoes. Apparently, almost every woman has feet which are a size 10 and under. And I need an 11, perhaps a 12, depending on whether they're closed in or open-toed, or what brand they are. I don't even go into shoe-shops anymore and just look around wistfully at shoes I would like, I march straight up to the counter and enquire as to whether they stock 'larger sizes'.

Larger sizes.

At which time, I'm usually met with something along the lines of "Ho ho ho noooooo, we don't stock anything like that", "We have a nice men's range, perhaps you could find something….neutral….there that you might like?" or "Sorry, no….'Freaks R Us' are just around the corner though".

And the worst thing is, I really love shoes. I mean really really love shoes. The problem is because I can hardly ever find shoes I like enough to buy, I tend to wear them out. I get them re-heeled, straps get fixed, scratches get colour-matched and painted over, in fact the shoe-repair guy I go to knows my name now.

But I need new shoes. For work, mainly. I currently have a lovely pair of hot pink kitten heels which I wear a lot, and interchange them with some dark brown flats when the mood strikes, but right now my toes are starting to get cold. They are both made by this company, which is where I get the vast majority of my shoes from, bless their hearts, they extend their range to an 11, and sometimes a 12. But I'd like to have a bit more of a choice. For instance, if I could find a shoe without beading, glitter, that aren't metallic, that have a heel less than 4 inches (I mean for fucks, the last thing I need is more height), but don't look like I should be playing lawn-bowls in them, I would be such a happy poppet.

So if anyone, anyone knows where I can get shoes from that won't cost half a year's salary or involve a trip overseas, please tell me. I would be most grateful.