The World According To Me

This makes me sad.

She's lost her 'spark' and I'm not sure what's wrong with her. She's still eating, so I don't think she's ill as such. She's just spending a lot of time curled up in the garden, or curled up on the couch with me. She doesn't want to sit next to Pom anymore, and this makes him sad too. This morning as I was putting my make-up on to go to work, she stood next to where I was sitting, resting her head on my knee, very quiet, just looking at me.

Last night she stood by the bed, very still, just looking at one spot. Which happened to be nothing. This happened for a good 10 minutes. I can't work it out.

She's also doing a lot of whining/crying for no apparent reason. She's desperate for affection, and licks my hand submissively when we have our mum-and-Lucy-time together. She snuffles her nose into my leg, or my belly, and closes her eyes.

I've been having dreams about her too. The night before last the dream involved me walking around with a new puppy which I'd gotten because Lucy had passed away. I didn't like the new puppy because it wasn't Lucy.

Last night's dream involved me actually seeing her getting hit by a car. I could see the car coming and had tried to make the car stop by yelling and waving my arms about but the driver wasn't paying attention and it hit her. I ran over to where Lucy was and she'd lost control of her bladder on the dirt road, she was trying to crawl to me but her legs wouldn't work. I took out my mobile to call the vet but my fingers wouldn't work on the buttons. I kept dialling the wrong numbers, I just couldn't make the fucking phone work. I was getting more and more anxious about not being able to call the vet, and I was crying. I had scooped Lucy up, she was whimpering and looking at me and there was nothing I could do to help her.

My heart broke in that dream.

I woke up this morning with an awful feeling in my stomach, my eyes felt like they had been crying and I was exhausted. Lucy was fine though, curled up on my feet at the end of my bed. It was such a tangible relief to see her when I woke up.

I hope I stop having these dreams. And I hope Lucy gets her mojo back soon.