The World According To Me

Another weekend of self-indulgence. This time it was decidedly less social, however I found it just as lovely. I cleaned my house. OH HOW I CLEANED. My hands still faintly smell like bleach. I also bought a number of items which are completely unnecessary at this point in time (Margarita set anyone? I don't even know how to make them. At least I have an excuse to learn now. I think learning in this context will be fun) and now I am unnecessarily poor. This makes me quite sad.

I had a feeling this morning when I was getting ready for work which I have not felt for a very long time - dread. Goodness me, it's awful. I have been working with the same company for almost five years and I have never felt like this. Over the past few weeks there have been 'happenings' and 'goings on', all in attempted secret. I call them 'shenanigans'. I hate it that 'they' must think I'm so stupid so as not to know. I hate that I am using inverted commas so excessively. Or at all. I don't know if it is my mindset right now but I am pretty much in the town square of Paranoia City when it comes to my job. Is it time to move on? Jump or be pushed? What if it's not as dramatic as I thought?

And it's funny how a disturbance in one part of your life flows into the others. I am usually quite successful at segmenting my life so that, for example, if I've had an upset at home, I don't bring my foul mood into the office. This is probably only because I get really quite cross when people do that to me. I'm not so good at this at the moment. I need to get back to the gym and lift the fuck out of some weights or something to get it out of my system.

I've been thinking for a long time now that maybe I need a change. As in a complete change. The ball has already started rolling in recent weeks, perhaps I need to keep that going, go the whole way. I'm talking new job, new home, new state. I don't know. I remember listening to my wonderful waxing chick once, as she was ripping hair from my nether regions I sighed and said to her "I think I'm going to move to Perth. I need a change". She said to me (and I can't quote her exactly, as it was (a) a long time ago and (b) I tend to remove moments of such pain from my mind) that maybe I was just wanting to run away, and that my life wasn't necessarily going to turned around and have me perpetually blissful just because my bedroom looked different. And I agreed with her, I thought about it some more, and I stayed put. Problem being that these episodes I have where I think to myself "I need to move, I need a change" are becoming increasingly more frequent and I wonder if now (or soon) really might be the time to take the plunge.

I used to have no qualms about moving. It was fun, it was exciting, I had nothing to lose. My parents shipped me around the country all through my childhood and I was a seasoned professional. When I flew the nest at an alarmingly early age, I kept on moving. Bit of a nomad really. I've now been living in the same area for the entire of my twenties and I thought I liked it. Not the specific location necessarily, but the slowly built feeling of stability, forming sustained friendships with people. The security of not being the new girl everywhere. But with that also comes little problems. Everyone knows your business. Your options are pretty limited. If you decide to have a latte instead of an espresso one day the barista makes comment. I think maybe I want to be the new girl again.

Lordy, this post is a rambling mess. Much like my head at the moment.