The World According To Me

I attended one of my closest mates' 30th birthday bashes on Friday eve, held on the balcony of everyone's* favourite establishment. It was a cracking party. A balmy eve, so many good and clever people to talk to, a lot of champagne. You know how this ends….

I smoked my guts out.

Meva is right, there's going to have to be a hiatus on social activity whereby drinking is involved if I'm ever going to get a grip on this no-smoking idea. I just can't have a glass in one hand and nothing in the other. Unless of course I start clutching to someone's arm to fill the void, which could land me in a whole heap of trouble given the right circumstances. So I have started again, comforted by the fact that I lasted a whole 5 days with only one public display of tears and the confidence that I have accepted only one social invitation in the next few weeks, which should give me enough time to practice my lectures as 'reformed' and make other smokers want to punch me in the mouth.

I caught up with my BFF (for want of a less gay term) on Friday night too, he who rudely took his lady and moved to Melbourne a few weeks ago and in doing so the both of them have left my life here quite empty both professionally and socially. At about 2am when I was slumped in the corner of another pub I asked for his thoughts on what to do about EVERYTHING. Because obviously the only time that I am receptive to such comprehensive advice on life is when I'm completely shickered and barely able to form coherent sentences. And the man to deliver such advice is naturally one who once jumped up on my desk making monkey noises whilst I was on a phonecall. I do remember him saying that I should work out what I wanted to do and then take steps to make it happen. Gee thanks, Dr Phil. He also told me that another friend of his was at a crossroads and she wrote lists of everything she was, everything she wanted to be and how to bridge the gap between the two. And now, of course, she's living her dream. I also know this person and I have a feeling her lists would have had entries such as "hug more trees" and "be nicer to people not possible".

I like lists. A lot. They are tangible and concise and reassuring but really in order to make this tactic work I need to know where I want to be, what I want to do, who I want to be. And quite honestly right now I am drawing a blank. I just don't know. I suspect I have been partaking in too many special smokes lately and that crap that we are fed about dope zapping your ambitions and goals might be true. All I know is that I want to be happy, but how? Who knows what it's going to take for that to happen? I know what doesn't make me happy, but that's not particularly helpful. I think I will try and do the list thing, perhaps if I do a lot of clear-headed thinking I might gain some direction, something that I feel has been eluding me of late.

Another discussion had at around the same time was about family, a subject which is almost always guaranteed to upset me. I get quite jealous of people who have beautifully close families, who have relatives who they also cherish as close friends. The BFF's lady (BFFGF?) was telling her sister how they were now in the unspoken (until that point) process of forming a different type of family bond, one which is happening with the understanding that their parents aren't going to be around forever. It is very adult. In her family there are three sisters, one of whom is married and has a baby, the other who is single but dating and the BFFGF, who obviously has BFF as her significant other. BFFGF was saying that the little group of them will form most of the support that each of the others needs, that it is so important to keep that connection together. Given the already reflective and decidedly melancholy head space that I was in, listening to this conversation just made me even sadder and it wasn't long after that I excused myself and went home to hug my dog. I just really don't have bonds like that within my family, save for my Gran on my dad's side. I don't have any form of connection with my father, I am more like a mother to my mother than my mother is a mother to me** and my half-sisters and brothers are all so much younger than me that there is a fairly clear generational gap which will never really be dissolved. Where does this leave me? My closest friends here have either moved away or are in the process of doing so, I have pretty much failed dismally at maintaining meaningful contact with old friends. I'm not in a relationship and after the headfuck that was my last one, I have no desire to be in another for the foreseeable future. My life pretty much consists of being at home with my pets, going to uni in flashes of haste and bustle, and work.

Work, which I used to derive so much pleasure and pride from but now just makes me angry and want to drink. And break things.

Work, the reason why I have wasted an entire Sunday morning in the office instead of stretched out on my bed reading the papers and drinking coffee in an old boyfriend's t-shirt listening to the spin cycle of the washing machine finishing off my towels.

Coming into the office this morning may not have all been for nothing, however. My e-mail inbox delivered to me a message from a site I subscribed to after my little jaunt to W.A. last year. A Government agency, advertising the very first job suitable to my skills and experience since I have been monitoring it. I can address each one of the selection criteria, it's actually pretty close to what I've dreamed of doing since I started working in law. The salary is a little less than I would have expected, but is certainly more than I'm on now. It's in Perth, where my Gran is. And when I think about those few days I was there last year, just hanging out with my Gran, it's honestly the last time I can remember feeling happy. Not excited happy, adrenaline happy, happy from eating chocolate, but quiet, peaceful happy. Contented happy.

Hello, Universe? Is this you throwing me a bone?

*If you live in my town, that is.
*Now say that three times quickly.

# posted by Kymmy : 12:40 pm