Monday, March 23, 2009
Right now I am preparing for a big change. A change I have needed and wanted for a long time before now. I am moving. Moving jobs, moving house, moving cities, moving states. It's completely awesome and exciting and utterly anxiety-inducing and terrifying all at once.
I no longer find any joy in my work, I no longer see the quirks of living in this town, my whole situation is making me very unhappy and so I need to get out. A completely fresh start. The psych and I have discussed this at length and he believes that it is, on the whole, a wondrous idea.
Of course I haven't resigned yet, or found a new job or found a new house. This all needs to happen on my time. I have a very definite plan in place which will see me, hopefully, blogging from my new locale within 2 months. I've told few people except those who need to know. Today I stayed at home, rang and spoke to recruitment agents in my new city, which is a strange experience in itself. I haven't interviewed for a job for 7 years, when I was just a baby, and this whole process of whoring oneself to future employers is somewhat distressing. I'm afraid I won't find the right job, afraid I won't be able to wow them at interview time. I know I'm awesome at what I do, but I also see that when confronted with an unfamiliar situation I turn into 'other Kymmy', who is someone I'm not so fond of. Quiet, anxious, serious and a bit on the edge. It's strange how my emotional state has flipped back and forth even just today. I spoke to an agent who was lovely and positive and excited - after speaking for a few moments she said "Oh, I have exactly the job for you". She gave me the name of the firm and told me that they'd had this position for quite a while but hadn't filled it because they were holding out for the candidate with the right mix of skills and personality to fit in with their culture. I immediately googled them and wondered if I was in a bit over my head. Of course there was very little to go on from the website in relation to the firm's ethos - most legal firms put their serious and distinguished foot foward with a public medium. The problem with this whole thing is that I hate rejection. I understand that no-one really likes it, but I do take it personally. With everything. My skin just ain't that thick. So now I'm wondering what she meant with 'the right personality' comment, and if, at interview time, I'm going to be able to put the other Kymmy away and bring out the good stuff. I guess only time will tell.
Staying in the one job for such a long time has been a double-edged sword. In the last few years especially, my colleagues have become a substitute family of sorts. I have the substitute mum who cuts the pokey-out tags off my clothes and gives advice on stain-removal and other general things that my own mother never taught me. The dad....well, like my own father we have a love/hate relationship which is tumultuous and currently turning a bit rancid. I have substitute sisters and a pretendy-nanna too. On that front, it is pretty good. Conversely, I think I have invested far too much of myself into my job and it is now a situation wherein I have realised that ultimately this is business and I can't take everything personally. It is a bit of a dog eat dog world, and the dogs that are getting fat and happy don't include me.
So, onwards and upwards. I can only hope that my best is enough and I am determined to give my all to create a new and happy future. On the upside of preparing for a massive upheaval of one's life - it creates an absolute necessity to de-clutter. I am in the process of ebaying all of those things I have held onto for no good reason. It's fun, because I can make a little bit of coin out of it, and anyone who's sold anything on ebay will tell you it's addictive. But it's a little bit sad doing the big clean-out of my life. The garage sale will be worse.
I no longer find any joy in my work, I no longer see the quirks of living in this town, my whole situation is making me very unhappy and so I need to get out. A completely fresh start. The psych and I have discussed this at length and he believes that it is, on the whole, a wondrous idea.
Of course I haven't resigned yet, or found a new job or found a new house. This all needs to happen on my time. I have a very definite plan in place which will see me, hopefully, blogging from my new locale within 2 months. I've told few people except those who need to know. Today I stayed at home, rang and spoke to recruitment agents in my new city, which is a strange experience in itself. I haven't interviewed for a job for 7 years, when I was just a baby, and this whole process of whoring oneself to future employers is somewhat distressing. I'm afraid I won't find the right job, afraid I won't be able to wow them at interview time. I know I'm awesome at what I do, but I also see that when confronted with an unfamiliar situation I turn into 'other Kymmy', who is someone I'm not so fond of. Quiet, anxious, serious and a bit on the edge. It's strange how my emotional state has flipped back and forth even just today. I spoke to an agent who was lovely and positive and excited - after speaking for a few moments she said "Oh, I have exactly the job for you". She gave me the name of the firm and told me that they'd had this position for quite a while but hadn't filled it because they were holding out for the candidate with the right mix of skills and personality to fit in with their culture. I immediately googled them and wondered if I was in a bit over my head. Of course there was very little to go on from the website in relation to the firm's ethos - most legal firms put their serious and distinguished foot foward with a public medium. The problem with this whole thing is that I hate rejection. I understand that no-one really likes it, but I do take it personally. With everything. My skin just ain't that thick. So now I'm wondering what she meant with 'the right personality' comment, and if, at interview time, I'm going to be able to put the other Kymmy away and bring out the good stuff. I guess only time will tell.
Staying in the one job for such a long time has been a double-edged sword. In the last few years especially, my colleagues have become a substitute family of sorts. I have the substitute mum who cuts the pokey-out tags off my clothes and gives advice on stain-removal and other general things that my own mother never taught me. The dad....well, like my own father we have a love/hate relationship which is tumultuous and currently turning a bit rancid. I have substitute sisters and a pretendy-nanna too. On that front, it is pretty good. Conversely, I think I have invested far too much of myself into my job and it is now a situation wherein I have realised that ultimately this is business and I can't take everything personally. It is a bit of a dog eat dog world, and the dogs that are getting fat and happy don't include me.
So, onwards and upwards. I can only hope that my best is enough and I am determined to give my all to create a new and happy future. On the upside of preparing for a massive upheaval of one's life - it creates an absolute necessity to de-clutter. I am in the process of ebaying all of those things I have held onto for no good reason. It's fun, because I can make a little bit of coin out of it, and anyone who's sold anything on ebay will tell you it's addictive. But it's a little bit sad doing the big clean-out of my life. The garage sale will be worse.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The return...maybe
I know that I have done this before - made promises to blog regularly and then written two half-arsed posts before pissing off back into the ether without so much as a brb. So I hereby promise to no longer make promises. It's better for everyone that way.
I wonder if anyone checks in on this blog anymore. If I were a reader I would've given up eons ago, but if anyone does stop by to see if I have imparted any more stories about being stoned or going to the gym - firstly, why bother? That's not interesting in the slightest. Secondly, hiya!
I've missed blathering on here, I really have. It was an outlet which was cathartic and safe. I liked being able to crap on about what I ate for breakfast on the weekend or muse over what I dreamed about the night before without worrying that whoever I was telling would think I was naff and idiotic. Or if you did, you didn't comment. I like it that way.
There are lots of good things going on in my world at the moment. I have made a verrrry long overdue start into therapy. I do hate that word, 'therapy', it's so American and overused, But my preferences for applicable terms aside, I have a wonderful psychologist who has been and continues to be absolutely magic in helping me make sense of myself. God, that does sound like a pile of wank doesn't it? That doesn't matter - the point is that I feel as though I'm making some pretty amazing inroads at the moment, I am feeling much more in control and actually looking forward to what the future holds. At the directive of the psych I have given up pot. He thought this would be a fairly difficult quest for me but once I got over having to face reality every evening, and more probably to avoid a home-based detox he thought I would benefit from (complete with a week off work and home visits from professionals - for reals. I freaked out at the thought) - it's been fine. My head is clear, my thoughts are clear, and I am almost....allllmost okay with the sleep issues. I've had to find more constructive ways to spend my evenings than spazzing out on the couch and eating anything unfortunate enough to come into my line of vision.
The massive drinking sessions....well, I am still working on that. Again, finding more constructive things to do with my time on weekends is the key - and not thinking that if I don't go out, get messed up and shag someone that my life is not worth living. I still have difficulty just going to the pub/party/function and having one or two drinks, instead of 15. So I just haven't been bothering to go out at all, mostly. Perhaps this is unsustainable and I will simply have to learn how to have a good time without getting completely wasted but for the moment it's a good course of action.
Dinner is calling out to me (roasted veg and spinach & ricotta cannelloni, if you're interested. Slightly weird combination but I need to do my groceries very soon) and I'd best go rescue it.
So, hi again. It's nice to be back.
x
I wonder if anyone checks in on this blog anymore. If I were a reader I would've given up eons ago, but if anyone does stop by to see if I have imparted any more stories about being stoned or going to the gym - firstly, why bother? That's not interesting in the slightest. Secondly, hiya!
I've missed blathering on here, I really have. It was an outlet which was cathartic and safe. I liked being able to crap on about what I ate for breakfast on the weekend or muse over what I dreamed about the night before without worrying that whoever I was telling would think I was naff and idiotic. Or if you did, you didn't comment. I like it that way.
There are lots of good things going on in my world at the moment. I have made a verrrry long overdue start into therapy. I do hate that word, 'therapy', it's so American and overused, But my preferences for applicable terms aside, I have a wonderful psychologist who has been and continues to be absolutely magic in helping me make sense of myself. God, that does sound like a pile of wank doesn't it? That doesn't matter - the point is that I feel as though I'm making some pretty amazing inroads at the moment, I am feeling much more in control and actually looking forward to what the future holds. At the directive of the psych I have given up pot. He thought this would be a fairly difficult quest for me but once I got over having to face reality every evening, and more probably to avoid a home-based detox he thought I would benefit from (complete with a week off work and home visits from professionals - for reals. I freaked out at the thought) - it's been fine. My head is clear, my thoughts are clear, and I am almost....allllmost okay with the sleep issues. I've had to find more constructive ways to spend my evenings than spazzing out on the couch and eating anything unfortunate enough to come into my line of vision.
The massive drinking sessions....well, I am still working on that. Again, finding more constructive things to do with my time on weekends is the key - and not thinking that if I don't go out, get messed up and shag someone that my life is not worth living. I still have difficulty just going to the pub/party/function and having one or two drinks, instead of 15. So I just haven't been bothering to go out at all, mostly. Perhaps this is unsustainable and I will simply have to learn how to have a good time without getting completely wasted but for the moment it's a good course of action.
Dinner is calling out to me (roasted veg and spinach & ricotta cannelloni, if you're interested. Slightly weird combination but I need to do my groceries very soon) and I'd best go rescue it.
So, hi again. It's nice to be back.
x
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