The World According To Me

I had another dream about Lucy dying last night. This has occurred before and it's horrid. I woke up at some ungodly hour feeling panicked and called for her just to make sure she was actually alive. She was thrilled to be allowed up on the bed to sleep. I kept a hand on her for the rest of the night to make sure she was there and breathing. Reassuring myself and allowing me to sleep.

Lucy turns seven in April. She has grey hairs and a couple of dodgy lumps on her and sometimes she has seizures where I can do nothing but lay down on the floor with her and hold her til it finishes and she regains control over her muscles. I hate these episodes particularly, even though it's only happened a couple of times. She is fully conscious throughout and is utterly terrified. When they do occur she loses the use of her legs and her body rolls in spasms for about 10 minutes. I don't think it is painful for her, she doesn't yelp or cry, her eyes just widen with terror and break my heart. The vet doesn't know what to do.

She hopefully has, I'd say, another five years left in her. She's part Boxer and they don't tend to have a good reputation for a long life, but the other half of her, Labrador, seem to be a bit more resilient, and I pray she takes after that. I get achingly sad at the mere thought of not having her around.

I do try not to think about it.

But the dreams come through without my permission.